J & K Dream On

Hi there. After figuring out how to log into to the account I was pleasantly surprised to see that there have been some views. It really would be wonderful if this little site took off and really helped some people.

J has been busy homeschooling our son and writing up a storm. I have been waiting full-time as a preschool teacher and working on my now two Etsy shops. Katie’s Quirky Creations and Katie Rose Rosaries. Please check them out. 😊

https://katiequirkycreations.etsy.com

https//katieroserosaries.etsy.com

Time

Life really has a way of dragging you along with it’s current. There are so many ideas in my head and my heart and I get so sad and frustrated by the roads not taken and the tasks not done.

But I am only one person and I can’t do everything. I am working on prioritizing tasks and even praying for the help to improve this skill. I also need to be more gentle with myself.

Do you have this problem too or any tips and tricks to share? We’d love to hear about it.

Check out our home page and explore more posts here:

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As I have previously mentioned, I struggle with feeling blue in the winter. I lack motivation and have little pep in my step. But much of nature winds down in the cold dark months. In my area the winter was unseasonably warm and rainy. Gray days combined with short ones made for quite the slog.

Now however we are in the month of March, past the official first day of spring. I have been enjoying watching the world resurrect itself. The first flowers have broken the soil, the birds are active again, and the spring peepers are singing.

I am coming alive again bit by bit too. I’m in a bit of a relapse in my awakening because I am overcoming illness, but very little in life is linear. In general, in the past few weeks, I have taken on some organizational projects in my home and am pouring more energy into creative projects again. For example I know this is the first blog post I have written in almost a year.

So, in addition to my seasonal reawakening I think I am experiencing a reawakening of my creative passions. I am working more on my Etsy shop creating and marketing and I have seen a pay off for my efforts.

I am also realizing that I have a mostly untapped passion for writing. I want to rectify that. I entered a short story contest and am curious to see what will come of it. I am going to try to write blog posts more often too. The biggest thing is that I have begun writing a novel that has been on my heart for years now.

Here’s a link to my short story in case you are curious: https://blog.reedsy.com/short-story/nwumef/

I am excited and curious to see where my pursuits lead me!

Self-care has become a buzz word. I just did a google search for “self-care” and it yielded 3,410,000,000 results. On Instagram #selfcare has 59.2 million posts.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health “Self-care means taking the time to do things that help you live well and improve both your physical health and mental health. When it comes to your mental health, self-care can help you manage stress, lower your risk of illness, and increase your energy.”

Self-Care Is Not One Size Fits All

That’s all well and good, but at the end of the day what does it mean for you or me personally? Since we are all individuals with various life situations and different mental and physical health needs, there is no one size fits all solution.

I could advise you to start with walking 30 minutes a day. We all know the benefits of walking for physical and mental health. But, what if you are an avid exerciser already and 30 minutes is a drop in the bucket for you? Or what if you live a sedentary lifestyle and building up your activity gradually would be more sustainable? Some people may have the budget and time for frequent professional massages, and someone may only be able to squeeze in a mindful cup of coffee or tea before the kids get up.

All of this means that you as an individual (perhaps with the help of a therapist, doctor or supportive loved one) need to come up with an individualized self-care plan. If you are super busy and have no self-care built into your routine right now it would make sense to start really small and gradually work more time for self-care into your life.

My Self-Care Plan

Since I entered mental health treatment in my teens, I have been taught that taking care of myself is so important and that taking little moments to be mindful and checking in with myself can help me regulate my thoughts and emotions. I walk the dog everyday now which feels good, and I got to get a massage last week by using a gift certificate my husband got for me for Christmas, which was absolutely delightful.

My self-care plan has evolved as my life situation has evolved. When it was just my husband and I, we had a much more spontaneous lifestyle, and I could take the time to do my nails or dye my hair and enjoy a good movie with him almost every night. I was very busy then too with school and work, but I had more flexibility.

A while back I started incorporating some self-care into my bedtime routine. I used to suffer from insomnia quite a bit and still do from time to time. I looked into good sleep hygiene and made a few changes. I try to go to bed at a regular time every night and stick to a consistent routine. I take my medications, brush my teeth, wash my face, use the bathroom, put my PJs on. I also make sure I have a fan or other white noise going in my room. I use lip balm and lotion to sooth dry skin. Once in bed I try to make sure I have plenty of time to read as I get sleepy. This won’t work for everyone because experts recommend using the bed only for sleep and sex for the best night’s sleep. For me it keeps my wild mind busy as I get sleepy. I just have to make sure the book I read isn’t too exciting or I will be counterproductively up half the night!

Tweaking Your Self-Care Plan

I love reading and I love this routine. I have even recently added a few minutes of quiet bible study. My puppy has thrown a wrench in this wind-down time, however, because instead of lying in bed and relaxing, I need to jump out every 2 minutes to take something out of his mouth or clean up an accident as he gets the last of his energy out for the night.

I talked to my therapist about being stretched in a lot of different directions right now and how bedtime isn’t always “me time” anymore. She suggested that I go out at least 3 times a week after work to do something for me. I do use this time for checking things off my to-do list like mailing out orders for my Etsy shop or picking up a prescription, but I have also been trying to do things just for me. Things as simple as going to pray in the church, walking in the park and taking a couple of books out of the library, or spending a little time looking at the ocean. I have only been doing this for a couple of weeks so far, but it is helping.

Despite what my guilt may tell me, taking time for myself is not selfish, it is essential. I am naturally a nurturing person. I enjoy giving to others. I care for others in my paid work, and I care for my family. And yet, the cliche truth is that if I don’t take care of myself, I can’t take care of anyone else. If I am overstressed, I come home from work depleted and ready to run screaming to the hills. I am not ready to play with my son, chat with my husband, and clean the kitchen.

This blog is also self-care because while I do consider it work, I feel good when I write and publish a blog post. Not only am I working through some of my own thoughts and feelings, but I hope I am helping others. I had to pull myself away from my family to write this afternoon. Right on cue, as I am writing these very words, my son came to ask if I was almost done because he wants to play with me and because the internet isn’t working for him because I am on it too. But my husband said before I went up, go take time for you, you need it. He is right.

Don’t think there is a list of tasks out there that you need to follow to be doing self-care right. And don’t fall into the trap that you need a specific product or service to be taking good care of yourself. That is setting yourself up for failure. Listen to your mind and body. Think about your interests and obligations and mindfully make a plan. Don’t be afraid to tweak it.

Addtional Resources:

NIMH » Caring for Your Mental Health (nih.gov)

The Journey Begins | J & K Dream On (jandkdreamon.com)

          I was adopted, so much of my family history is a mystery. There could be some English, Irish, or Danish ancestry in my genetic make-up as I enjoy a dreary day. Or maybe my biological family comes from the southern hemisphere, because when it comes to seasonal depression, I go against the norm.

          Most people afflicted with Seasonal Affective Disorder, my wife included, begin to experience low moods, depleted energy, weariness, sadness, and general hopelessness as soon as the summer ends. This is not uncommon and it does affect some people more than others. If you’ve read my posts, you may have realized how “uncommon” I am. It should come as no surprise that when others are slipping into the winter woes, I start to feel revived.

The Light at the Start of the Tunnel

          Once the days get shorter, many people become disheartened. The night increases and the rejuvenating aspects of quality sunshine are gradually robbed from us. Our bodies, naturally, react in a negative way. Some people slow down and dread the colder, darker months. There’s a solemnness to packing away your T-shirts, sundresses, and swimsuits. Winter, for many, can feel long and lonely. But, it doesn’t have to be that way.

          Every year, I can’t wait for fall to arrive. Look outside in late October and early November and you can see why. I live in New England and nature explodes in autumn. The trees become natural fireworks of red, gold, green, orange, and yellow. Without even mentioning the frightful whimsy of Halloween and the savory tastes and smells of Thanksgiving, the world transforms into a time of unrivaled beauty. Get outside and breathe that chill-tinted air. Revel in your favorite flannel shirt or comfy sweater. Enjoy the crunch of leaves under your feet as you walk around. There are fewer bugs and the humidity has faded into memory.

The Dark Times

          A friend once pointed out to me that they hate the bleakness of winter. I can see where the icy wind and grayness can drag a person down. The sun setting around four-thirty and rising closer to seven every morning can darken moods as well as the brief daytime. I will eagerly proclaim my loathing of snow. And, adversely, happily exclaim how gorgeous a snowy day can be from the warm comfort of my home.

          I suggest ignoring the lack of color without the green leaves and really take a look at the trees and the intricate patterns their branches make. You know the old cure for public speaking that involves picturing the audience in their underwear? Give yourself a chuckle when you look outside. Those trees are naked.

          Remember that the sun still shines brightly in winter. A sunny day is a sunny day. Winter sunsets are far more vivid without the thickness of summer air. Add an extra layer or two and go outside and simply breathe. If you have a mind to, try a winter activity such as ice skating, skiing, or snow-shoeing. Hot chocolate is not remotely soothing in July, but in February it is joy in a mug. After being outdoors in the cold or dark, treat yourself.

And That’s Just SAD

          The fact is, there are so many things to look forward to in winter. Think of the night as a cocoon. Most creatures hibernate. I’ve been tempted my whole life. You can enjoy the coziness. New seasons of television can be reason alone. There’s football and basketball. Or you can take your kids sledding or build an igloo. Date nights become far more intimate when the nights are longer. What’s not to enjoy?

          Seasonal Affective Disorder can be tough. Remind yourself that winter never lasts forever. Keep your eye out for returning birds or budding trees in March. That first warm day will surprise you every year. The days grow longer after December 21^st or so. That should get you through.

          There are tons of activities you can do in the cooler times of the year that you probably miss midsummer. I look forward to the way the lengthy nights erase the craziness of a school or workday. If you have a spouse, significant other, or an affectionate pet, winter is cuddle season. I love fall and winter. Spring is starting to grow on me too. Summer though? Ugh. Talk about oppressive and never-ending weather.

          Seasonal depression is both biological and psychological. Absorb as much sunlight as possible, enjoy the cozy times indoors, and don’t give up. Stay happy because no matter what time of year is your least favorite, better days are coming.

Put an end to your blues and click on these uplifting links:

Winter Blues, Seasonal Depression, and SAD: I Need Some Sunshine in My Life! – J & K Dream On (jandkdreamon.com)

What is Hygge? – VisitDenmark

As I write this it is a gray day in the middle of January. The sky has been releasing a wet wintry mix. I can’t help but long for summer.

If you are like me as Autumn draws to a close and the sun is going to bed earlier and earlier, you start to feel depressed. I already have a diagnosis of depression but in the winter my symptoms tend to get worse. My motivation is low, as is my energy.

What is Seasonal Depression?

According to the Mayo Clinic, “Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a type of depression that’s related to changes in seasons — SAD begins and ends at about the same times every year. If you’re like most people with SAD, your symptoms start in the fall and continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel moody.” According to a quick google search SAD, seasonal depression, and the winter blues are synonyms.

Other symptoms include:

• Feeling sad, cranky, or hopeless
• Less energy and fatigue
• Trouble concentrating
• Change in appetite
• More desire to be alone
• Thoughts of suicide
• Change in weight
• Trouble Sleeping

Even with a much-needed increase in one of my medications I am feeling some of these symptoms including fatigue, wanting to be alone, trouble concentrating, and crankiness.

Whatcha Gonna Do About It? Treatments for Seasonal depression

As I have mentioned, I am on medication and have had my dose changed to deal with the increase in depressive symptoms. I also use a light box when I eat breakfast in the mornings. A light box is a special super bright light that imitates the sunshine. I do think this helps and I would benefit from a longer session in front of the light. I recommend that you look into this.

I meet with my therapist twice a month. I have been in therapy for years and years and still see one bi-weekly. I always feel so much better after my sessions. Therapy gives me the opportunity to see things from a fresh vantage point and develop strategies to help manage difficult situations.

I also pray and meditate. Finding ways to connect with God keep me from falling into despair or hopelessness. I know that I am loved unconditionally and that I matter because I am a child of God.

Taking walks with my dog and playing outside with my sun allow me to release a few endorphins by being active and to soak up a few rays of winter sun. I am very thankful for these little creatures because they give me motivation to get outside and get moving. Yesterday when I took the dog out for a walk, he decided to chase the leaves blowing in the wind. That made me laugh which is also good for boosting the mood. Then my son forced me to pick up my pace to a jog as we ran around pretending to be animals!

Every person is different, and I highly recommend that you talk to your doctor or mental health professional for individualized advice, but these are the things that are working for me.

Until I find myself laying on the beach again, I am going to keep my chin up.

Here are my main sources of information for this articele:

Seasonal Depression (Seasonal Affective Disorder) Symptoms, Causes, Treatments (webmd.com)

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) – Symptoms and causes – Mayo Clinic

Here is database for searching for a therapist. You can also get a referral from your doctor

Find a Therapist, Psychologist, Counselor – Psychology Today

Here is another post I wrote on depression:

Depression, a Familiar Companion – J & K Dream On (jandkdreamon.com)

I am tired. And I’m not talking about the normal busy working mom tired. This is another layer of fatigue brought on by the global pandemic. Let’s be honest, being a mom is tough enough on its own. Actually, let’s go ahead and back that statement way up. Being a human being on this planet is tough enough without existential threat of a previously unknown virus. I can only speak from my own experience, however, and give you whatever helpful information I can.

My Normal State of Exhaustion

Since I started recovering from my eating disorder, I have kept my self very busy. I have gone to school and worked multiple jobs to achieve my goal of earning my Associate degree. When I became a mother, I worked and learned to juggle motherhood and professional life. Because I thought that was too easy or some other insanity, I decided to juggle motherhood, work, and completing my bachelor’s degree. I settled into working fulltime and being a mom when the pandemic hit. I burned out in my full-time job and took time off work for six months for various reasons. Now, I am back to work part-time, writing this blog and running an Esty shop. KatieRoseRosaries | Etsy

My battle with anxiety and depression has made me know what it means to be tired too. This is both through the symptoms of the illnesses but also through the sedative side effects of the medication I take to treat them. If you have ever felt the absolute exhaustion and fatalism of depression or the overwhelming quality of dealing with non-stop anxious thoughts or the foggy but better feeling of being medicated, you know what I mean.

My point is that I do know tired. I know busy. This pandemic has added another layer.

Decision Fatigue

I have a hard enough time making decisions as it is. Especially the smaller day to day choices for some reason. Now I have to question what feels like every move my family and I make in terms of the risk of contracting COVID-19. If this makes me sound a little paranoid, it’s because I am. I am sure this is partially my anxiety, but it is partially based on just the plain facts of the matter.

According to COVID Live – Coronavirus Statistics – Worldometer (worldometers.info) the current worldwide total of coronavirus cases is 318,491,773 and the current worldwide total of coronavirus deaths is 5,534,549. These are significant numbers. I live in Rhode Island and locally we are seeing a huge surge in cases and hospitalizations.

My son needs to see his friends, but I am cautious about when, where, with who, for how long. I definitely feel more comfortable with him playing with other kids outside than inside, but the chill of winter has set in making that increasingly difficult. I am cautious of my own actions too. For example, I have only eaten inside at a restaurant once since in the almost two years since this pandemic has started.

A General Sense of Heaviness and Foreboding

You could probably also call it situational depression. Slogging through day to day knowing people are getting sick left right and center, hospitals are overwhelmed, and people are dying is really challenging. Some days I am feeling more confident knowing I am doing the best I can and other days it feels like the world is ending so why bother.

Especially as more people I know personally fall sick it is hard to avoid the situation. I have to look at it like I would look at any large societal problem. I can only do what I can do.

There are some questions I can ask myself. What am I doing to make my corner of the world a better place? Am I doing what I can to protect myself and those around me by wearing my mask and keeping a safe distance? Am I doing what I can to brighten other people’s day through kind words and actions? This next one is the hardest. Am I trying to be kind and patient with my family and not be cranky with them despite my fatigue and anxiety?

What Can I do About It?

If by “it” I mean the pandemic as a whole, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it by myself. The solution is beyond anyone person. Accepting that fact is strangely comforting in and of itself. Remember at the beginning of this ordeal how there was a feeling of unity and “we-are-all-in-this-together-ness”? We are still united in this trial, but we are too tired (or in some cases too ignorant) to see it anymore. Remembering that it is not just me dealing with this is strangely comforting too.

If by “it” I mean my own burnout and fatigue than there are a few things I can do. I can make sure that I am taking care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

A Three-Part Approach, Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Self-care

Physically I am taking care of myself by being vaccinated and boosted. My husband and son are also vaccinated. We wear our masks when we are in public, especially indoors. I am also really trying to make sure I get enough sleep and physical exercise. For me that exercise has come mostly in the form of walking my dog recently. I got a Fitbit for Christmas and that is helping me to stay active too. My diet is a work in progress as I try to weed out some foods and ingredients that are doing me more harm than good. Sugar is on the top of my list right now to limit.

Emotionally I am trying to carve out some time for myself to relax and breathe. As a busy mom this feels impossible sometimes, but I have to keep trying. Reading in bed before I go to sleep is my most consistent “me time” right now.

Spiritually I am trying to remember to put my trust in God. God sees and knows things I do not and is pure love and therefore wants to best for me. I have stopped going to Mass in person again due to the local surge in cases and this is really hard for me. I hope to get back soon. In the meantime, I’m trying to watch a streamed or recorded Mass. I am trying to be consistent with attending my 12 step meetings and make sure I pray every single day. I also like to read spiritual books.

Sometimes even with all my efforts I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water but then I remember the old adage, “This too shall pass”. And it shall.

Additional Resources:

To read more about my eating disorder recovery check out: Eating Disorders Are Not One Size Fits All – J & K Dream On (jandkdreamon.com)

Doreen Dodgen-Magee, Psy.D. is on the same wavelength as me. This is her is take on the issue:

Covid Related Decision Fatigue, Hypervigilance, and Burnout | Psychology Today

Here is a timeline of the major developments in the pandemic:

CDC Museum COVID-19 Timeline | David J. Sencer CDC Museum | CDC

A resource to fight disinformation which is sadly rampant:

Covid-19 — Myth Versus Fact | Johns Hopkins Medicine

          Who loves a good adventure? There are few that don’t revel in a thrill. Emotions and adrenaline run faster. It’s amazing! When you’re younger, everything is an adventure. Learning to walk, climb, and ride a bike; even learning to string words into meaningful sentences can be an exciting experience. When you’re older, the adventure tapers off. For most, anyway.

          I’ve always loved adventure and I enjoy play. Reading took me places I could never imagine. Movies and the loud, action-packed shows that were on television when I was young set my brain into overdrive. Once that switch was flipped, it was impossible to shut it off. And when I say impossible, I mean that there is absolutely no off switch. My brain hasn’t stopped its churning out insane thoughts since I was a very young boy. They continue, even as I write this.

There Is Something Wrong with You

          “There is a time for play and a time to buckle down and do your work”. This litany was the “white noise” of my childhood and teenage years. I heard it at home and at school. And believe me, I understood it. I just couldn’t comply with it. That wasn’t because I didn’t want to. School was important and I got that. I didn’t want to be held back a grade for not finishing my requirements. Nor did I want to disappoint my parents and teachers.

          Imagine that you are tasked with finishing a simple puzzle; a puzzle with only ten or twenty pieces. That sounds easy enough. All the kids around you are doing it. You look at the puzzle, eager to get to work. You can’t wait to see what the picture forms. Maybe it’s whale or better yet, a space battle. Maybe it’s whales in space fighting aliens. Or…

          When you hear the first peer yell, “Done!”, you freeze. You wonder how they finished already. You make your move and realize you have no hands. That’s how it feels, at least. More kids are calling out that they’re done. You look to see what their puzzles look like. Your heart thumps harder. You beg your hands to work. The teacher seems to be staring at you. Soon enough, it’s true. Everybody is staring at you because you’re the only one that hasn’t completed the puzzle. You hear those dreaded words, announced to the whole class, “While he works on that, let’s move on to our next assignment.”

          When parent / teacher conferences roll around, you hope it turns out okay. It doesn’t. Your parents come home and angrily ask, “What keeps happening with you?” You’re wondering the same thing.

Everybody Hates You

          The truth wasn’t something I discovered until I was deep into adulthood. It is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Essentially, this is a chronic disorder that creates attention difficulty, impulsivity, and hyperactive behavior. Put simply, you aren’t a perfectly wired machine. Your brain is rigged like a Christmas tree with too many strings of lights. There are few A-to-B thoughts. Directions cannot be followed. Over-thinking is the only way you know how. That leads to forgetting what the original goal was. Once in a while, on those rare moments of pride, you come at whatever you were supposed to do with far better results than what was expected.

          When I was a boy, ADHD was not a thing. You were branded as lazy, stubborn, useless, hopeless, incapable of following directions, or “a bad kid”. I’ve been scolded for having an over-active imagination. I was bullied and beat up for being weird or different. Hyper-activity wasn’t really a factor, with the exception of my mouth. Cursed with “verbal diarrhea”, I was told by many teachers to, “Shut up!” Do I have scars? Yes, I do.

          My parents tried, but it was maddening to them that I couldn’t do everything that was asked of me. I had no focus. It felt like the more important a task I was given, the more cement encased my feet. Mental ropes bound my wrists. When there were too many orders given, my brain burst like dandelion seeds.

          Frustrating everyone around me and burned out by getting through the basic parts of the day, I had very little left to give. I limped through school. My grades were rubbish. That wasn’t for lack of trying and I wasn’t stupid. In fact, it took twice as much effort to complete anything, because I was trying to get my thoughts under control enough to focus on my work. Learning was an adventure I thrived on. Unfortunately, my road to knowledge was plagued with roundabouts and one-way streets. I got there late and not the way I was told, but I got there.

The Ugly, the Bad, and the Good

          When I was young, I suffered in a world that thought I was lazy, wrong, ridiculous, weird, deaf, stupid, and crazy. People claimed there was something wrong with me and I wasn’t living up to my potential. So, I hid. If I tried to fit in, I usually didn’t because I was wired differently. There were no cliques I immediately gelled with and social skills were stressful. Where I wasn’t completely friendless, when it came to peers, adults, and potential girlfriends, there was nobody I totally related to.

          I learned to enjoy my solitude, whether by reading, drawing, or watching T.V. I kept to myself and stuck to work I knew I could do without screwing up or disappointing. That went for my major in college and my career in aquariums, museums, and nature centers. It got better as I turned my motor-mouth into a twisted sense of humor. Usually, that awarded me new friends and if nothing else, my social life improved.

          Even today, the older generations feel that ADHD is BS. I’m still looked down upon. My responses, or lack thereof, are still frustrating to me and others. Learning that I’m not alone in my struggle, has been very positive for me. Finding a wife that usually gets it, is phenomenal. (See her post) The Journey Begins – J & K Dream On (jandkdreamon.com) I’ve got a wonderful therapist. Slowly, but surely, I’m beginning to realize that it’s never been about not trying or “being mental”. The truth is there’s nothing actually wrong with me aside from being unique. If people have their opinions of what my potential is, that’s society being judgmental. Frankly, society has its own egregious problems to worry about. Slapping a stigma on people with ADHD is a sign of those with drone-like minds and zero imagination.

          Life is an adventure. You can go about it the humdrum way most people accept, or you can be different. My brain chose different. Stop fighting your ADHD and use it the way it wants to be used. Today, I channel my mental chaos positively into writing, teaching, humor, and drawing. I can focus on the things that are important, such as family and friends. Never think that being a little different is a bad thing. Instead, embrace why it makes you a better person than you or others ever thought.

For more information on ADHD, try these websites.

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in children – Symptoms and causes – Mayo Clinic

ADDitude – ADD & ADHD Symptom Tests, Signs, Treatment, Support (additudemag.com)

NIMH » Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (nih.gov)

Anorexia Nervosa is a phrase that often elicits images of skeletal young woman flipping through fashion magazines and frowning at their dish of carrots. Sometimes this is spot on and sometimes it is an overgeneralized stereotype.

What do you think of when you hear the phrase Bulimia Nervosa? Probably a young woman who desperately wants to be thin but can’t control herself around food and so eats massive quantities and then throws it all up. Again, this stereotype holds some truth but is not quite on the money.

Then there is binge eating disorder. The simple stereotype is of an obese person who eats and eats and eats. For the third time, this stereotype is too simplistic and doesn’t account for the humanity of the person. If you would like to read about someone’s experience with overeating check out J’s post: The Obesity Vortex – J & K Dream On (jandkdreamon.com)

There are many ways that eating disorders can manifest. Some of them are more textbook and some are not. Many bulimics over-exercise, for example. Men and children can suffer with eating disorders too. In addition, many people experience symptoms from more than one diagnosis.

How it all Began

My eating disorder was not born from envying fashion models or movie stars; at least not directly. I certainly absorbed societies unrealistic beauty standards and ideas of femineity and remember wanting to be attractive and pretty even as a little girl. However, I didn’t wake up one day and decide to starve myself to be thin.

In fact, losing weight was never my goal. It was just a pleasant side-effect. My low weight was 88 lbs. at 5’2″ when I was 15 or so years old. I remember a salesgirl being impressed when I could fit into the smallest bikini and my boyfriend at the time eyeing me with satisfaction.

My eating disorder began when I was in the 8th grade and about 14 years old when my parents divorced. I had always been an anxious child, but this event pushed me over the edge. I began throwing up out of sheer anxiety, but I didn’t understand that this was why I was getting sick. I felt especially ill in the mornings before school. This snowballed and it wasn’t too long until I got my first IV for dehydration my freshman year of high school. Things I used to be able to handle, like going on trips with my family or going to a school dance gave me so much anxiety I vomited in public restrooms frequently.

Food and Feelings

Eventually, I grew to dislike eating and being around food. Anorexia literally means “morbid want of appetite,” (see anorexia | Etymology, origin and meaning of anorexia by etymonline). Some anorexics do want to be around food. They want to cook it, serve it, read about it, and obsess about it. They just don’t want to eat it.

I wanted to forget about it. Once, I struggled to eat a cup of Jell-O. I stopped eating lunch at school, much to the dismay of my friends. Breakfast was also hard. For a while I did have a large snack after school, however. Thanksgiving became my absolute least favorite holiday because of the focus on food.

I had little to no ability to process my emotions in any kind of a healthy way despite beginning therapy. I was put on medication too, but medication only helps if you don’t throw it back up. My grades which were excellent all through elementary school and middle school slipped in high school.

In time, I could no longer handle attending school. My senior year of high school I had a tutor at home. This was also the year I was hospitalized for the first time in an eating disorders unit out of state. I was given an IV and tube fed. I did therapy and worked on my schoolwork. Perhaps, had I been able to stay longer, I would have seen more lasting recovery, but insurance companies made that impossible. I somehow graduated from high school.

After High School

After high school, I floundered. I tried to take a single class at a local college but couldn’t complete it due to my anxiety. I made an effort to make myself useful while still living with my parents by doing chores and painting walls.

I didn’t work. I didn’t go to school. Going to therapy made me anxious. I guzzled beverages just to throw them back up. Not much food made it into to my stomach and most of what I did eat I purged. I slept very little. I threw up all times of the day and night. In an attempt to soothe myself I took multiple showers a day. My thoughts were very dark and sometimes suicidal. I was hospitalized both for my physical and psychological health multiple times and did some outpatient programs.

For a while, I moved in with my dad across the state to give my mom and stepdad and sisters a break and me a fresh start. Suddenly, I was away from everything and everyone that was familiar to me. I got a job at a pizza restaurant but couldn’t stand the smell of food or figure out how to fold pizza boxes, so I stopped going. I had so much guilt over how I handled that situation that I never cashed the one check I earned. Still, I was depressed and anxious and sick. Again, I was hospitalized multiple times and I did some outpatient programs.

Eventually, I ended up back with my mom and stepdad. It was the same story. I was a hot mess but somehow, I started taking classes at a community college and got a job at an aquarium. I was finally functioning again, although barely.

A Turning Point

During this time, while I was inpatient in a psychiatric hospital someone told me there was a 12-step program for people for eating disorders and so when I got out, I started going to meetings. This made a huge difference for me, and I started making progress on recovery. I also moved out of my parents’ house and lived with my uncle. He worked nights and treated me like a roommate. This independence did me good.

I skipped over many ill- fated relationships in this post. However, I will tell you that I met my future husband while still working at the aquarium. Soon I moved in with him and married him in 2010. By this time, I had some shaky recovery. I was able to finish my associates degree and build a professional career.

I did have two major relapses when my son was about 1-1/2 to 2 years old. Seeing me so sick and leaving our son with him to go to the hospital was really hard on my husband. I had a mini relapse where I purged once in early 2016, but I am happy to report my eating disorder has been in remission since then. I have earned my bachelors degree and have decided to pursue some passion projects like opening an Etsy shop and writing this blog.

Recovery is Possible

This is a really quick rundown of my experience with having an eating disorder. I will dive into some more of the nitty gritty and tell you some of the factors that helped me to recover in future posts. In the meantime, if you have an eating disorder, I want to remind you that you are not alone, and recovery is possible.

Check out these resources for information and support:

NIMH » Eating Disorders (nih.gov)

Information by Eating Disorder | National Eating Disorders Association

Home – Overeaters Anonymous (oa.org)

Jumping back many years, the King of Pop, Michael Jackson, put out a song called “Bad”. It, naturally, was a hit. Not long after, again naturally, oddball musician Weird Al Yankovic did a parody of it titled, “Fat”. In it, he asked, “Who’s fat?” At that time, it certainly wasn’t me. Jump forward thirty years and ask the same question. “Who’s fat?” This time, I have to raise my hand.

          I know I’m not alone in this “bodily configuration”. There are millions who sport the round look. Many people are just fine with it and comfortable in their skin. Bravo! It takes all sorts of shapes and sizes to make us who we are. Short, tall, curvy, thin, fit, flabby… Never be ashamed. It is easy to be embarrassed by something you, or even an outspoken loved one, find different from society’s “perfect” image. I’m telling you to ignore that voice. Be you.

Well, well, well

          The exception to that rule of acceptance is health. A little belly on the right person can be cute. Junk in the trunk can catch a person’s eye just as easily. There is the old joke of being “big-boned”. Actually, some people are built solidly and can be tall and wide. What that person weighs is likely fine for them. Put that same weight on somebody a foot or two shorter and it could lead to serious health issues.

          Heart disease, diabetes, stroke, breaking wicker furniture… You’ve heard all the risks. Maybe you’ve stopped hearing the warnings. Maybe you don’t care. Or, maybe you do care and are helpless against the cravings. Some people, myself included, are trapped by taste buds and bad choices. It can be akin to alcoholism, with the added danger that if you abstain from eating, you die.

Down the rabbit hole

          Back in 1988, when Weird Al’s song, “Fat”, came out, I was young and thin. I wouldn’t say fit. I had a sedentary job in an arcade, where I sat on my butt and doled out quarters to gamers. The power of the flab was just waiting for the correct time to strike. One afternoon, I purchased a big bag of corn chips. I figured it would take me a day or two to eat it. I sat there and talked with my friends and it hit me. I’d somehow killed the entire bag in under an hour! My buddy was impressed. I suppose I was too. And a little scared. Mindless eating is the way obesity gets you.

          I worked a lot and tried to keep active. As a teen, I swam and hiked everywhere with my friends. Later, I went to college and roamed my campus daily. I climbed mountains. Studying abroad, I moved to London and walked around the city constantly. I kept busy. Eating was an afterthought. I looked and felt good.

          After graduating, I worked with a fantastic group of people I couldn’t get enough of. We had a lifestyle that was totally detrimental and at the same time, totally awesome. We worked hard all day and partied harder all night. Life was good… too good. This was indicated by my gut.

          At the turn of the century, I was finally beginning to put on weight. Living excessively will do that to you. I couldn’t believe the size of my jeans was going up. I figured I was still young and had nothing to worry about. I could eat and drink whatever I wanted. Wrong. After a very severe and painful attack, I had to have my gall bladder removed.

          What you eat and how you live can absolutely affect your health. Combine that with age and life’s changes and you begin to accrue obstacles to safe living. I did fair for some time. Corn chips still called to me, as well as ice cream, pizza, and soda. Bad choices were made and the weight gain continued. I’ve surpassed pleasantly plump. Cuddly is in the rearview mirror. I am in the danger zone now.

Equilibrium in all things

          This is a cautionary tale. Everybody is different, which is wonderful. If Bill looked exactly like Phil or Tara was built just like Sara, life would be boring. As with anything, however, too much can be a bad thing. I am an over-eater. I don’t mind being a little heavy. Heavy gets snuggles. Being dangerously obese is another matter entirely.

          Watch for the early warning signs that you might be on the wrong track. Eat and drink in moderation. Get outside and move. If you don’t, you’ll fall into the same unhealthy trap as I have. How do you get out? We can find a balance in life. It takes practice, better choices, and time. Put down that family-sized bag of chips, think of me, and know I get how you feel. Being fat is like an escape room. Together, we can find a way out.