You may have noticed that there is a sizeable gap between my first introductory blog post and this one. That is in part because we are launching this blog while I am working 30 hours a week and running an Etsy shop, but it is also due to my depression.
Winter Blues
As I mentioned in my first post, I have come really far, but I still struggle. Over the past few weeks or has it been a couple of months? It’s hard to say… I have been sliding into a funk. Part of it is that the season changing from fall to winter and the days getting shorter. I have a marked preference for summer where I can slip outside without having to layer up and can soak up the sun until almost 9pm. Now, I use a light box most mornings for at least a few minutes, and I get outside as much as I can but still, I just don’t have as much energy or motivation this time of year.
Another issue is stress. This never-ending pandemic isn’t helping either. I feel like I have so many balls in the air. And yet I feel like I am doing nothing well. I am not carving out enough time for my creative pursuits. My house is always filthy. I don’t spend enough time with my husband or son. And on and on and on. I am my own worst critic.
My History with Depression
Angsty music appeals to me when I am depressed. I feel mysterious and misunderstood. Depression feels like a heavy blanket that covers me completely. There is something comfortable about the melancholy. It’s easy to hide underneath that blanket but, then I would miss so much.
Mostly though the depression is awful. I feel encased in cement. I want to feel joy, to be in the moment, to feel gratitude for the gift of life and I can’t. My prescriber just upped my dose of antidepressant. I have mixed feelings about this. Actually, I have mixed feelings about being on medication in general, but maybe that can be another post.
I have battled depression since I was a teenager (I am 36 years old). I used to listen to a lot of emo music and dress a bit goth. My eating disorder was the biggest challenge to overcome, my anxiety is next, and my depression usually lurks in the back. Sometimes however the clouds roll in and my depression is all I can see. It makes me tired, it sucks my motivation, and makes me really cranky. My poor family takes the brunt of this. Last night I melted down and told my husband that I was tired of EVERYTHING.
I am a survivor
The good news is I have survived depression before, and I know I will again. If you are dealing with depression, you too can get through this. Reach out and talk to a trusted friend or family member. Talk to a therapist. Open the curtains and let in the afternoon sun.
I have my medication and my therapist. I know how to do deep breathing, and how to acknowledge and validate my feelings. I have a spark inside me that is hope. This is nurtured by relationship with God. I take things one day at a time and tomorrow is a new day.
My first blog post can be found here: The Journey Begins – J & K Dream On (jandkdreamon.com)
Here you can find some basic information about depression form the World Heath Organization: Depression (who.int)