Anorexia Nervosa is a phrase that often elicits images of skeletal young woman flipping through fashion magazines and frowning at their dish of carrots. Sometimes this is spot on and sometimes it is an overgeneralized stereotype.
What do you think of when you hear the phrase Bulimia Nervosa? Probably a young woman who desperately wants to be thin but can’t control herself around food and so eats massive quantities and then throws it all up. Again, this stereotype holds some truth but is not quite on the money.
Then there is binge eating disorder. The simple stereotype is of an obese person who eats and eats and eats. For the third time, this stereotype is too simplistic and doesn’t account for the humanity of the person. If you would like to read about someone’s experience with overeating check out J’s post: The Obesity Vortex – J & K Dream On (jandkdreamon.com)
There are many ways that eating disorders can manifest. Some of them are more textbook and some are not. Many bulimics over-exercise, for example. Men and children can suffer with eating disorders too. In addition, many people experience symptoms from more than one diagnosis.
How it all Began
My eating disorder was not born from envying fashion models or movie stars; at least not directly. I certainly absorbed societies unrealistic beauty standards and ideas of femineity and remember wanting to be attractive and pretty even as a little girl. However, I didn’t wake up one day and decide to starve myself to be thin.
In fact, losing weight was never my goal. It was just a pleasant side-effect. My low weight was 88 lbs. at 5’2″ when I was 15 or so years old. I remember a salesgirl being impressed when I could fit into the smallest bikini and my boyfriend at the time eyeing me with satisfaction.
My eating disorder began when I was in the 8th grade and about 14 years old when my parents divorced. I had always been an anxious child, but this event pushed me over the edge. I began throwing up out of sheer anxiety, but I didn’t understand that this was why I was getting sick. I felt especially ill in the mornings before school. This snowballed and it wasn’t too long until I got my first IV for dehydration my freshman year of high school. Things I used to be able to handle, like going on trips with my family or going to a school dance gave me so much anxiety I vomited in public restrooms frequently.
Food and Feelings
Eventually, I grew to dislike eating and being around food. Anorexia literally means “morbid want of appetite,” (see anorexia | Etymology, origin and meaning of anorexia by etymonline). Some anorexics do want to be around food. They want to cook it, serve it, read about it, and obsess about it. They just don’t want to eat it.
I wanted to forget about it. Once, I struggled to eat a cup of Jell-O. I stopped eating lunch at school, much to the dismay of my friends. Breakfast was also hard. For a while I did have a large snack after school, however. Thanksgiving became my absolute least favorite holiday because of the focus on food.
I had little to no ability to process my emotions in any kind of a healthy way despite beginning therapy. I was put on medication too, but medication only helps if you don’t throw it back up. My grades which were excellent all through elementary school and middle school slipped in high school.
In time, I could no longer handle attending school. My senior year of high school I had a tutor at home. This was also the year I was hospitalized for the first time in an eating disorders unit out of state. I was given an IV and tube fed. I did therapy and worked on my schoolwork. Perhaps, had I been able to stay longer, I would have seen more lasting recovery, but insurance companies made that impossible. I somehow graduated from high school.
After High School
After high school, I floundered. I tried to take a single class at a local college but couldn’t complete it due to my anxiety. I made an effort to make myself useful while still living with my parents by doing chores and painting walls.
I didn’t work. I didn’t go to school. Going to therapy made me anxious. I guzzled beverages just to throw them back up. Not much food made it into to my stomach and most of what I did eat I purged. I slept very little. I threw up all times of the day and night. In an attempt to soothe myself I took multiple showers a day. My thoughts were very dark and sometimes suicidal. I was hospitalized both for my physical and psychological health multiple times and did some outpatient programs.
For a while, I moved in with my dad across the state to give my mom and stepdad and sisters a break and me a fresh start. Suddenly, I was away from everything and everyone that was familiar to me. I got a job at a pizza restaurant but couldn’t stand the smell of food or figure out how to fold pizza boxes, so I stopped going. I had so much guilt over how I handled that situation that I never cashed the one check I earned. Still, I was depressed and anxious and sick. Again, I was hospitalized multiple times and I did some outpatient programs.
Eventually, I ended up back with my mom and stepdad. It was the same story. I was a hot mess but somehow, I started taking classes at a community college and got a job at an aquarium. I was finally functioning again, although barely.
A Turning Point
During this time, while I was inpatient in a psychiatric hospital someone told me there was a 12-step program for people for eating disorders and so when I got out, I started going to meetings. This made a huge difference for me, and I started making progress on recovery. I also moved out of my parents’ house and lived with my uncle. He worked nights and treated me like a roommate. This independence did me good.
I skipped over many ill- fated relationships in this post. However, I will tell you that I met my future husband while still working at the aquarium. Soon I moved in with him and married him in 2010. By this time, I had some shaky recovery. I was able to finish my associates degree and build a professional career.
I did have two major relapses when my son was about 1-1/2 to 2 years old. Seeing me so sick and leaving our son with him to go to the hospital was really hard on my husband. I had a mini relapse where I purged once in early 2016, but I am happy to report my eating disorder has been in remission since then. I have earned my bachelors degree and have decided to pursue some passion projects like opening an Etsy shop and writing this blog.
Recovery is Possible
This is a really quick rundown of my experience with having an eating disorder. I will dive into some more of the nitty gritty and tell you some of the factors that helped me to recover in future posts. In the meantime, if you have an eating disorder, I want to remind you that you are not alone, and recovery is possible.
Check out these resources for information and support:
NIMH ยป Eating Disorders (nih.gov)
Information by Eating Disorder | National Eating Disorders Association