J & K Dream On

You may have noticed that there is a sizeable gap between my first introductory blog post and this one. That is in part because we are launching this blog while I am working 30 hours a week and running an Etsy shop, but it is also due to my depression.

Winter Blues

As I mentioned in my first post, I have come really far, but I still struggle. Over the past few weeks or has it been a couple of months? It’s hard to say… I have been sliding into a funk. Part of it is that the season changing from fall to winter and the days getting shorter. I have a marked preference for summer where I can slip outside without having to layer up and can soak up the sun until almost 9pm. Now, I use a light box most mornings for at least a few minutes, and I get outside as much as I can but still, I just don’t have as much energy or motivation this time of year.

Another issue is stress. This never-ending pandemic isn’t helping either. I feel like I have so many balls in the air. And yet I feel like I am doing nothing well. I am not carving out enough time for my creative pursuits. My house is always filthy. I don’t spend enough time with my husband or son. And on and on and on. I am my own worst critic.

My History with Depression

Angsty music appeals to me when I am depressed. I feel mysterious and misunderstood. Depression feels like a heavy blanket that covers me completely. There is something comfortable about the melancholy. It’s easy to hide underneath that blanket but, then I would miss so much.

Mostly though the depression is awful. I feel encased in cement. I want to feel joy, to be in the moment, to feel gratitude for the gift of life and I can’t. My prescriber just upped my dose of antidepressant. I have mixed feelings about this. Actually, I have mixed feelings about being on medication in general, but maybe that can be another post.

I have battled depression since I was a teenager (I am 36 years old). I used to listen to a lot of emo music and dress a bit goth. My eating disorder was the biggest challenge to overcome, my anxiety is next, and my depression usually lurks in the back. Sometimes however the clouds roll in and my depression is all I can see. It makes me tired, it sucks my motivation, and makes me really cranky. My poor family takes the brunt of this. Last night I melted down and told my husband that I was tired of EVERYTHING.

I am a survivor

The good news is I have survived depression before, and I know I will again. If you are dealing with depression, you too can get through this. Reach out and talk to a trusted friend or family member. Talk to a therapist. Open the curtains and let in the afternoon sun.

I have my medication and my therapist. I know how to do deep breathing, and how to acknowledge and validate my feelings. I have a spark inside me that is hope. This is nurtured by relationship with God. I take things one day at a time and tomorrow is a new day.

My first blog post can be found here: The Journey Begins – J & K Dream On (jandkdreamon.com)

Here you can find some basic information about depression form the World Heath Organization: Depression (who.int)

Hi!! I’m Kate and I invite you to embark on a journey with my husband and I.

We both have struggled with our mental health since childhood. We have had successes and failures along this road called life. We have decided to share our experiences with you, past and present, so we can all journey into the future together.

A big part of improving mental health is knowing you are not alone.

You are not alone.

Let me say it again.

You are not alone.

My Issues in a Nutshell

Currently, I am in remission from anorexia/ bulimia. I think I was once diagnosed with OCD as well. I currently battle anxiety and depression. I think at one point the professionals thought I had bipolar because my eating disorder was so persistent, but I do not.

There are parts of my life that are a complete blur. I have been on so many different medications. I have been hospitalized in both medical and psychiatric facilities. I have seen many therapists and psychiatrists. I am currently seeing a wonderful therapist, am on medication, and go to 12 step meetings for my eating disorder.

To say I have improved is an understatement. I have come a long way. Once you get to know me you will see that. I used to be completely unable to function in the world. Now I live a full active life. That in and of itself is huge. I have met many of the goals I have set for myself including getting my associates degree and then my bachelors degree. I have a supportive husband and a wonderful son and even recently got an adorable, although incredibly mischievous puppy. I have built a career for myself. I have built up a tool box of spiritual, mental, emotional, and intellectual tools that see me through everyday.

Still, the anxiety and depression surge and recede. As I write this they are surging, especially the depression. I often lack motivation. True enjoyment of the beautiful things around me seem just out of reach. I am cranky. Nothing I do is good enough for me.

I also have a lot of growing that I want to do. There are still goals I want to achieve and dreams that I want to come true. Perhaps this little blog will help.

Come Along

If anything at all I have said has resonated with you, please stick around.

I want to post lots of content about my personal experiences, topics in psychology, and sociology, and spirituality.

I hope a little community will spring up and we can support each other.

As a society we are both more connected than ever before and more isolated. Social media is a blessing and a curse. This blasted pandemic certainly hasn’t helped. But if I can help even one person feel less alone with my words, then I have achieved my goal.

Mental health resources:

Lifeline (suicidepreventionlifeline.org)

National Eating Disorders Association

About ADAA | Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA